Is your partner having an emotional Affair ?

Have you ever felt that your partner is not part of your conversations any more. You are talking but not engaging. That’s the moment when you should realize that the whole relationship thing has become so mechanical and operational that we express emotions to each other only when it is all falling apart . Till then we prefer not to surface the crevices , the cracks of our so called foundation of a relationship.  These days people are so distracted that everyone prefers to shove their emotions under the carpet, avoid any altercations and pretend to go on with business as usual. 

However,  when we do that  deep down there is still a longing to belong somewhere emotionally. Many a times this can be your parent or a sibling , but if that doesn’t happen, you tend to go looking out for that emotional anchor. This can be a person you spend lot of time with , in person or through mobile. As time proceeds you start feeling less judged , and opening more to that person, and gradually he/she starts becoming your emotional anchor. Anytime you feel the need to talk , or your relationship at home feels sore/ bored , you start exploring an emotional high from this person. In cases, where this person is of opposite sex, it is even worse.  You do not feel the need any more to engage emotionally with your spouse in ironing out the differences because it is a much difficult task to sort out an upheaval of emotions. 

Now you may have never got into a physical contact with that person , but does this qualify as an affair ? I think very much. Our generation is far less interested in physical pleasures, because we do not have time for it. IF you do a survey of people (single/married) as to how many times they make out , you will be surprised to hear how much the frequency has gone down, owing to factors such as work pressure , less time, low energy, travel time etc. However , our generation yearns for much stronger emotional connects, where you can talk without being judged , when you can be heard, when you just engage.

In such cases , I feel that if the spouse is emotionally anchored in some one else so strongly, you would be justified in saying that yes he/she is having an affair, because he/she is stripping you of those rights and the connect in your relationship.   For this, he may have never been involved in a physical relationship, but I feel an emotional affair is what hurts even more, and is equally worse like a physical relationship. It always makes your feel like the other woman in your own relationship.

The worst part is that you cannot even prove it, and everytime you raise your eyebrow , the person is in constant denial . It very easy to butt all argument by saying, oh you are being crazy, have you seen anything ?Its very hard to justify the emotional space that is being taken by the other person and is eating away into your married life.  And because it is so hard to prove, the person involved does not feel guilty about being caught, and this affair is more long lasting.

And what is the way forward in such cases? I don’t think talking or explaining the situation helps, because the other person is deeply invested elsewhere.  My advice would be the following:

·       Be more practical about the whole thing, and do not force the other person to come back to you. Let go.

·       Take counselling , sometimes only to be heard and have a different point of view

·       Find your emotional anchor , as we are all humans and need that deep anchoring. You cannot be anchored into someone who is not anchored to you and vice versa

·       Discuss this with your spouse if he is ready to listen, but if the person is outright defensive or incorrigible..then ignore and discuss it with someone you can trust. It is important to get it out of your system

·       Focus on your self and make yourself happy by having the right set of people who uplift you

Always remember , that in the movie called “your life”, you are the hero and you have to feel good in the end. Do not waste it brooding over , someone else’s wrong choices, shortcomings , belief patterns or mistakes.  Do live it your way , in your style!